1You've got mail, direct from here in the circle of SENIOR SQUARE, on world's only park bench with indoor plumbing and Wi-Fi, the best of both worlds....and possibly God's universe. Give or take a smidgen...
1
A meat pie am I !
Between the Crow Quill Scrolls and wireless Internet Scrolls of my live-long life Citizen Senior Man of Letters2 in want of a publisher with impeccable tastes, before I'm outta here in but a twinkling of my much preferred blue eye!3
Gar
(As in Mr. Sleep)
aka 'Mr. Pastie'
What to Write a Publisher When You Were Born to Be
a 'Man of Letters'2 in the Grand Tradition of Byron, Austen and the Apostle Paul.
But at My Sundry 80 Years of Age4 come May - Oh! for Slight Assist of the 'Still Small Voice'b
Dear Mr. Publisher (you know whom you be, already),
My 1947 AD Pen Argyl Pennsylvania High School year book's prediction couldn't be a proof reader's oversight.
I was to become a famous author of note. The first serious challenge to Hemingway, most assuredly. OK, OK, OK, to be a writer on radio's Milton Berle Show woulda been kinda nice for a kid of 18, fresh from graduation ceremonies. You know, just for starters. As it turned out, I never got to break unleavened bread with Uncle Miltie (as he was to become known on TV in days of old); however, I did come close. Mightily so.
The local radio station in Easton, the Slate Belt's county seat, upon reading my satirical high school radio club scripts, took me under their wing, anxious to arrange an appointment with Berle's comedy writers for this new kid on the block. The show's team was considered to be the best jokesters in the business. Among them, a young unknown Neil Simon--WHO? Any way back then, children short of 21, were still accustomed to ask their parents for permission to catch the next Greyhound out of town. Remember, there was no GPS! Or green card. Or fence. And the word-to-the-wise on the part of my dad was a resounding: "NO!" Little Junior Sleep was not "allowed" to make my way to the Great White Way. No way. No how. Close. But no Mr. Television cigar!
When I heard a few years lager that Allen Stewart Konigsberg, alias Woody Allen, had been hired as a pre-Starbuck's coffee "gofer" on the Sid Caesar Show of Shows on TV, I was convinced I was no longer God's favorite. Like Woody, my Saturday nights would have been better spent in Gotham than in the 91st MP Battalion in the refuge city of Pusan, South Korea, during America's "forgotten war." (You have forgotten the Commies and the domino theory, maybe?) I guess the undernourished Brooklyn kid got a draft deferment simply because he was physically funnier looking than such as yours truly. Surely not smarter. (Horn & Hardart's 5-cent cup of Joe ain't smart.)
The only "upside" to my missing out on The Big Time is: the ancient treasure chest rendering of my original Stars & Stripes' cartoon panels, among "the best of the Korean War." Responsible for bringing both sides of the conflict to the peace table "BEGGING FOR PEACE IN OUR TIME!" An MP Battalion Troop Information & Education "officer" with Pfc. stripes worn proudly by day - I was a self-appointed Stars & Stripes contributing cartoonist by moonlight. That's right, General 'Ike' Eisenhower's famous ear-to-ear smile on the cover of Life wasn't triggered by his having just won the 1952 Presidential election, but most assuredly, that of my laff-out-loud humor inside the magazine's review of the S&S book, 'Out of Line.' And still available thru e-Bay as collector editions. Google-search Woody Allen's book during that same memorable period in humankind history, and there's no 'there' there. By golly! And gee-whiz! Seems I'm the one God chose to go down in antiquity after all. A little faith6 above and beyond never hurts, you know?
(Incidentally, my cartoon in the weekly magazine dramatized an elderly, dignified U.S. Senator searching out a fox hole, bombs bursting all around, and holding unto his hat for dear life, while urgently tapping an unsuspecting GI on the shoulder; and inquiring: "I say, are you the young man from Pennsylvania who wrote his Congressman?" Oh, if only Milton Berle had had it so good.
Mr. Publisher, returning to the present, please consider, herein, the excerpts I've lifted from recent e-mails I've authored to family, friends and strangers in the night; as a potential "Sleep On It!" sleeper. A ready-made newspaper or magazine column and a book by the same name. Only you can decide..."which." Don't let Stars & Stripes scoop you again!
Meanwhile, I'll keep my BlackBerry appointments at the ready, just in case my next Friday afternoon respite at Barnes & Noble will be a book-signing marathon (crowds lined-up around the block and all that good stuff) foregoing the usual weekly Starbucks and The Wall Street Journal get-together of this previously unpublished man of letters. Me.
Proud to be an advertising man since birth, I was the only writer in the whole wide world to have written and produced TV and radio commercials for both Sears, Roebuck & Co. and competitor Montgomery Ward - while winning an Addy Award along the way - a perfect companion piece to the can of Jolly Green Giant corn awarded my jolly Corn-ish sense of humor during high school commencement ceremonies in the small town fondly founded by immigrants from Cornwall, land of mirth and merriment.
And if that double-header in the awards department isn't sufficiently impressive as a tombstone engraving to be remembered by, need I remind you, I was a year book editor dually elected by the Class of '47. Surely, that should count for somethin.
If you could, dear publisher, also recommend a reasonably-priced agent, that would be nice.
Until then, I'll just keep right on wonderin as I'm wanderin.
Sinseniorously, never-the-less,
gar
IN OTHER WORDS: 1 A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest." (Isaiah 29:10 ) 2 "Oh, that my words could be written. Oh, that they could be inscribed on a monument." (Job 19:23) Now I, Paul, plead with you. I plead with the gentleness and kindness that Christ himself would use, even though some of you say I am bold in my letters but timid in person. (2 Corinthians 10:1). 3 It all happened in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye. 4 My life is no longer than the width of my hand. An entire lifetime is just a moment to you; human existence is but a breath. (Psalm 39:5) It is better to say nothing than to promise something that you don't follow through on. (Ecclesiastes 5:5) 5 And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. (I Kings 19:11-12; KJV) 6 I haven't seen faith like this in all the land of Israel. (Matthew 8:10)
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What to Write when you’ve just turned 79 and a resume update couldn't hurt none.
Resume of Monster Entrepreneur Wannabe: MY LIFE, MY FIVE STETSONS. (THE COMPLETE GAR SLEEP)
If you ain't wrong, you're right; If it ain't day, it's night; If you ain't sure, you might: Gotta Be This Or That."
Benny Goodman's 1945 hit 33 RPM record (33% more disc for your money in Biblical times vs. today's CD's) got it all wrong. Like King Solomon, you can have it both ways such as I: Wit and Wisdom. Neither a stranger to me. Citizen senior meets Delta Force, and Delta Force blinks.
It's in the Bible! There is "a time to laugh." Born in May 1929. Stock market crash in October. Died (possibly) in the stock market crash of 2009. Now that's Woody Allen prescription-grade, "neurotic funny." A priceless asset during the not so great, Great Depression. (You do remember - ?) And lest we forget the present day Greatest Depression.
All my life, every twenty year increment (two decades piggy-backed), I reinvent myself. You know, try on a new hat for size. A Stetson with Caesar Romero-style wideband complements that "other" wideband: today's wireless, satellite digital technology that is so very me. (Batteries not included.)
Stetson #1. The jump-start of my life. "A babe in the wood" (i.e. drawer). Kinda stifling, but the 1700 vintage Huguenot bureau did provide me with a "knothole on the world." Although the view was somewhat confined to the bedroom of my birth, there down on the farm in Bangor, Pennsylvania. A crib saved is a dollar earned, the Old Folks use to say. With a know-it-all smile.
My first job was at 14. An apprentice barber at Tony's Barber Shop. Come high school graduation, I was coolest kid in class with $1200 cash in clenched fist. A Republican of the first order. Keeping steady straight razor and straight face, both, during the course of FDR's WW II Homeland Security blackouts, I earned every patriotic penny!
Senior year in P.H.A.S., I figured the best way to get all the girls wasn't on the football team practicing outside the classroom window. It was the inside that mattered. "The only one of the guy gender in touch typing class, stupid!" In the Lord's scheme of things, the Underwood was to be my Tonto; my Kayto; my Rochester; in the grand tradition of the Lone Ranger, Green Hornet, and Jack Benny. Golden Radio was family.
In the class play, Life of the Party, I was Einstein before my time. My wisdom - and wit of wild hair heavy on the "Wildroot Charley" grease job - won me the staring roll of "Steiny," hands-down, though slick 'n' sticky hands left unchecked, can turn ugly by the second act. Seems "hair" played an important part in my early life.
Stetson #2. First worn on my honeymoon - cut short by the Korean War. The Commies simply couldn't afford a clerk/typist, so I took Supreme Commander/Supreme Being, General Douglas McArthur, up on his best offer before it, and he, faded away.
If only my cartoons in Stars & Stripes were a jot more frequent, America could have won that war. But someone had to type the peace treaty. Back then, my overweight Underwood and lightweight knee caps weren't necessarily "best buds." Today, there's the Laptop to take up the slack. BUT CITIZEN SENIORS DON'T HAVE LAPS! So what the hey. (Call home, Bill Gates, call home.)
In 1953, Exchanged GI skivvies for Robert Hall civvies and typed my way up the corporate ladder to Sears National Home Entertainment Sales Promotion Manager - without first tap dancing my way to fame with the Rockettes at NBC's Radio City Music Hall. A-h-h-h, Katie Couric, I remember her well.
Stetson #3. As a Republican, founded Sleep Advertising, Inc., in the Nation's Capital. Thanks to my typing of commercials of my own invention in which Willard Scott played a roll, he landed the Today Show. I counted the days to when America's Birthday Boy salutes my driver's license foto for the whole world to see. Fifteen seconds of fame, mine, all mine! And they say seniors have nuthin to look forward to.
Stetson #4. As a Democrat, looked myself in the mirror one bright and early morn only to see that was "Mr. Pastie" a-starrin me back, "Shazam!" A meat pie I yam, I yam. My dream of many years for everyone to "Pass the Pass-tee!" passed down centuries by The Sleep Family Cornwall," had come true at last! I wasted no time to type my first ad. Finally! I'm my own advertising client. J. Walter Thompson, eat your heart out!
Stetson #5. As an Independent Master of My Own Domain: SeniorSquare dot com. A quarterly undertaking of 6,000 word count - personally typed one word at a time. The wit and wisdom of my life between AARP and HARP! (With "wiggle room" to spare for a Still Small Voice.)
Like the Shadow, "The Mad Hatter Knows!" God's plans for us are too numerous." Yet, my five Stetsons don't exceed the 6-days of creation. No wonder the Lord likes me best. Out of 6 billion people! I respect him for that, don't you?
-30-
What to Write when you’re MC at a Christmas eve church dinner with a congregation decidedly skewing Gen X and Gen Y
ME:
On this eve of Jesus birth, when the coming of joy appeared in such grand manifestation upon this third rock from the sun, we think, too, of how much joy a baby’s birth resonates among families during the Christmas season. You might even say a child lightens our life brighter than the traditional star atop a Christmas tree.
And so it is, as we wax poetic in the spirit of the holiday; Pastor Jim has taken this opportunity to make a very special announcement of dramatic portent. The figures are in. And tallied twice.
I can hardly control myself!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! One and all.
Now hold on to your seat…
Capital City Church has met it’s quota of baby births for the year 2007!!!
And we didn’t even need any help from the Methodist church down the street!
Let’s have a big hand for Pastor Jim!
(M.C. WAVES ARMS TO LEAD IN WILD APPLAUSE)
And again, so it is, that we have applauded Mom’s and Dads introducing their new-born sons and daughters Sunday after Sunday…after Sunday…(EXHAUSTED)…after… Sunday.
But l ask you…when was the last time you hugged a grandmother and grandfather WHO MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!
Sure, you’ll hug a tree just to make Al Gore a happy camper; but good, ol fashioned huggin goes as far back in American history as when Teddy Roosevelt was President, and the cuddly Teddy Bear was thee Christmas Gift of choice in the year 1902.
In fact, if there’s a 95 year old Granny sitting next to you right now huggin a Teddy Bear…turn…and ASK HER!
In the good old days grandparents were part of the family Christmas celebration, but today, some of the grandparents of our church family are spread far and wide. Grandparents do spread a lot. It’s their Constitutional right.
Still, the two precious grandparents of our church with kids and grandkids span five decades! Even if those grandparents are Ceil and I.
Would you believe as long ago as the 1920’s! They were there when the first Mickey Mouse (one year my senior) appeared under the tree in all kinds of books and toys. Back then, Mickey Mouse was the “cat’s meow.” And “cat’s meow” was as close to a “naughty” word as Granny and Gramps ever wanted to come. They were born “G” rated!
Yepper! Tis so. Some of our kid’s grandmothers have been around ever since the 1920’s, when Grandma got the first Shirley Temple doll. It was then, Grandmother made up her mind at an early age, some day, she would have a real live granddaughter with Shirley’s dimples as standard equipment! Makes no matter if the little baby couldn’t tap dance like Shirley. It was the dimples that counted!
And ever since the 1940’s, today’s grandfather who was a kid back then...
remembers his gift under the tree: A genuine Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot bee bee gun. Only the night vision was extra. The Lone Ranger may have had silver bullets; but only grandpop could put the kibosh on the 50-pound wild turkey that had gobbled-gobbled-gobbled the butter ball.
Christmas in the 1950’s was when Grandaddy’s favorite gift was King Zoor, a monstrous four-foot tall action toy taller than he was. And today, because Grandpop has…well…you know…kinda …”shrunk”…King Zoor is still taller!
Grandma born in the 1960’s would be in her 40’s today. But we’ll never know for sure. As a “younger” “old person”; her age is “nobody’s business.” Only Elvis knows for sure. But, of course, Elvis has “left the building.” Sorry about that, Grandma!
In the 3rd verse of “O’ Little Town of Bethlehem,” it is written “the Dear Christ enters in.” Let it be so, in the same loving way, the little ones the Lord has been faithful in helping us to exceed our “expectant,” expectations.
But remember one and all,
the “Teddy Bear Hug”
is reserved
for
grandparents…
”special."
And I can't help but wonder as I wander...
Have you hugged one lately?
-30-
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AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:
MR. PASTIE®
MY ALTER EGO WHO DOES ME PRETTY PROUD
"Pinch me like a pasty and I can say no more."
--Shakespeare's Merry Wives of Windsor
TODAY'S PASSWORD:
"PASS THE PASS-TEE!"®
Since 8000 B.C., the Planet's First
MEAL-SIZE Meat Pie Turnover!
From Across the Pond and Across America
They Come
Pasty Lovers United!
To the Mr. Pastie Home Bakery
in 'Pasty Town U.S.A.'
And 'MySelects' Available in Stores Everywhere
Thru G&H International Traders, Inc.
800.379.7899
"Pass the Pass-tee!"®
Passed Down Centuries by
The Sleep Family Cornwall
to Your Family
LUNCH, DINNER, BREAKFAST AND HIGH TEA
‘PICK N CHOOSE’ FROM 58 QUICK-PICKS
ALL HAND-MADE, NATURALLY GOOD,
OVEN-BAKED MEAT PIE TURNOVERS
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EAT THE FINGER-CRIMP ALL UP!
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Veggie Cheddar Melts: 'Spinach Patch', The 7-Veg. 'Mixed Bag'
All-Day Breakfast Egg Melts: Steak, Ham, Sausage, Bacon Bits,
Fruit Pasties: Cherry, Apple, Blueberry
AND THE LIST GOES ON!
___________Q_____________
MR. PASTIE®
OVERNIGHT DELIVERY
WORLD-WIDE!
'MySelects' Yours!
Phone G&H International
(800) 379-7899
___________Q_____________
SEE 'The Vanishing Art of Pasty Making '
by Our Long-Time Artisans
at the Mr. Pastie Home Bakery in Pasty Town U.S.A.
Open Monday thru Saturday 9AM to 5PM; closed Sundays (see you in church?) and traditional holidays.
To reach our quaint, little, yellow provincial bakery in residential Pen Argyl, Pennsylvania, at the foot of the Blue Ridge Mountains. "Just follow the flavor aroma you can taste." Take route 33 to Wind Gap 512N exit; proceed 4 miles to the PNC bank red light and up Robinson Ave.
For more information, please call our bakery at (610) 863-9091. E-mail MrPastie@ee.net
PUT THE "FUN" BACK IN FUNDRAISERS AT WHOLESALE PRICES! Special discounts off our regular prices best assure a good return on your charities’ investment. "Ring us up" and confirm your delivery date soon!
Look for Mr. Pastie in the meat or grocery freezer case of a store near you. Ask the local manager to stock up on your choices. Available for stores in all states, thru G&H International Distributors at (800) 379-7899.
E-mail: mrpastie@ee.net
_____________Q_____________
"SLEEP
ON IT!"
SeniorSquare.com
WHERE EVER YOU ARE IN THIS WIDE, WIDE WORLD…CATCH THE NEXT ENGINE LEAVING GRAND CENTRAL STATION T0 "SENIOR SQUARE" ARRIVING GATES:
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PASTOR PAUL PIT'S "PICK OF THE PICKS"
Web sites that tell you everything there is to know about the joy and transforming power of Jesus Christ, in more ways than one, but were afraid to ask for fear it would completely change your life. And at your advanced age, heaven forbid, "a new you" would surely become the talk of the town, let alone "Breakfast at McDonalds!" Courage, fellow-old-timer, courage!
About Com Where Septuagenarian Sleep and young whippersnapper, Dave Barry, are fello humor columnists
Annie's Home Page "Blessings and Joy."
Anointed Links (Ahem!) Did Brother Graham say, "Brilliant?"
Barbara's Entourages Dares to call Senior Square a "humor" page!
Best Christian Links Acclaims Senior Square, "wonderful site."
Caring-Angel The motherland lists Square under humor and religion, both!
Christ Sites for a new view on life.
Christian Family Links "Happy to add your wonderful site."
Christian Search You'll find it here.
Christians Unite A rather radical idea.
Christian World Daily Directory of Christian Web sites.
Christians Online Today's party line without the 3 rings.
Church Net UK England on The Square.
Cross Daily Awesome Christian Sites and Senior Square is there!
Dr. Chadwick's Church & Ministry Page Christianity unlimited.
For Our Lord Jesus Christ When you care enuff to send your very best.
Goshen Net The OK church clique click.
The Joy Well The name says it all.
The Missionary Quality Christian sites 'round the world.
Pastor Ed's Very Best Christian Links Senior Square's "wit, wisdom, Spirit of God."
Pastor Jeff's Neighborhood "Don't have to be a senior to enjoy" Senior Square's "slightly warped sense of humor."
Peggie's Friends Senior Square's "A Fun Christian Senior page."
Religious Resources The OK church
clique click
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Tekton Apologetics "Love" Senior Square.
Fifty Plus and more besides.
Grandpa Chuck Mr. Pastie "Lot's of Family Fun"
Senior Square awarded "5-STAR WEB SITE!" Humor Search
Pardon me, is the Brit in me showing? Humor Links
Over Fifties Onward and upward.
Rememory All the memory you'll ever need.
Seniority UK Gar waxes lyrical bout topical issues & reminisces for 1 and all.
Suddenly Senior Topical humor columns unlimited.
Worldwide Seniors and those in outer space, you know who you are
Your Memories British life 1900-1970 includes scroll down Senior Square!
PLUS Scores More Web Sites Now Link-up With "Senior Square!"
___________Q_____________
You like? You not? E-mail Gar Sleep: mrpastie@ee.net
*Yes, reproduce for non-commercial use and distribute to family & friends. For permission & written authority on reproductive commercial use, e-mail: Senior Square
EVERYTHING ORIGINAL!
Copyright Ó 2008 by Gar Sleep, Senior Square magazine for "60-Plus 'R' Us" and others who DARE TO SCROLL THE SQUARE ('cept after dark!)
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT), copyright Ó 1996. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois, 60189. All rights reserved.
Source of other translations indicated accordingly.
Purchase your Bible preferences at a book store near you.
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EVEN TAKE ALONG ON WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE WITH YOUR KIDS, GRANDKIDS & WORLD AT LARGE
"See You There!"
Gar